冰河纪
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这个冬天，长的看不到尽头，长的让所有希望都一次次破灭。
上一次有这样寒冷的感觉，大概已是十七八年前，住在父亲单位分配的小公寓里，没有暖气。那个年代的记忆虽然充斥着厚重的棉衣和早起的清晨，可是却也享受着无忧无虑的童年和那种狂放所带来的无法替代的幸福感。我记得那日子里，冬天还会下很大的雪，奶奶还能常常对着我们微笑，而我的堂姐们，也不过是一群傻乎乎的大丫头。
那些年月，有没有希望，对于我来说，远不及一场疯玩来的兴奋，是一个无所谓的选择题。
后来，我们搬进了大公寓，祖母却离开了我们，祖父在孤独中暴躁了几年，终究也离开这些在他眼中不孝的儿孙，去了另一个世界。而正是这些年，冬天慢慢变暖，我们也都慢慢长大。离开小城，世界变的开阔，也更复杂。
若不是这绵延而绝望的冬天，我想不起在雪地里打滚的冬天，想不起可以将不快都倾诉于祖母的童年，想不起那个不需要太多的希望也照样精彩的年代。
这个冬天，我在春寒料峭的江南，静静的望着漆黑的湖水，一整晚一整晚。我无法控制自己不去抱怨，抱怨这多雨的季节，抱怨这漫长的阴霾。我在这寒冷与不适中变的绝望和灰暗，直到你说那句，要活的精彩。
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2011-08-17
ON THE FIRST OF THE FIFTH
On the very same day of 2007, I woke up before it was 6, when there was bright sun shining out of the window. The experience of growing up in central China gave me a sense that it must have been over 7, but the humid air pushing against every inch of my skin, which made the room unbearably hot like being exposed above some boiling water, made me realize that I, however much used to expect this, was in a location so far and so different from home, and would have to settle down for a whole new journey, the one that used to be everything I'd ever dreamed about for the past three years. Only by then, it would have to begin, whether I was ready or not.
Just this morning on my way heading off, the campus seemed only different than it was just a couple of days ago. The sudden emerge of cars and luggage trunks transformed the usually quiet summer holiday into what it was exactly four years ago. The expression on the faces of first-years and their parents is as a mixture of all excitement, expectation, worry and confusion. Well, life here is complicated, perhaps both exciting and worrying, probably even more. But the rules are just simple, seasons come and go, so do people, nothing eternal.
The weather hasn't changed at all over the last four years. It is boiling today as it was the very day in August 2007. Summer here has always been holding its long tail, stretching deep into the autumn. There was this mixed smell of mud, vapour, woods and blossoms in the summer sun, which feels like having been here forever, spreading all over the city from the train station to the campus, from the lawn downstairs high up into the corridors. This smell, together with the feeling of freshness and uncertainty, became the very first impression upon this very school I was going to live, to learn, to grow up, or even somewhat to be shaped in the next several years. And now, over 1,000 days passed and that sense of unfamiliarity has completely gone, the smell of wet mud, trees and summer blossoms, when every summer begin to boil the city, still exits, in every corner of the campus, as well as our memory.
Now with a new year to start, the campus is busy again, just like it has been in over a century, only with larger grounds and more inspiring young minds. Those questions we thought time would present us with answers remained silent there, unsolved. Yet time has definitely taught us things, not only with lectures and professors but more with experiences and friends. It surprised me even more when a pond of lotus was discovered by me this morning, just by the side of the road we used to walk by every day, then I realized I never knew how fun this vast and usually boring ground would be. The next moment I was grateful enough to have a fifth year here, after witnessed the same-graders' departing, the next year seems more precious than ever. We may lose some of our charms in the way of pursuing, but this moment is really the age of innocence for me, for us, for the ones who have just set foot in here and have several years of golden age ahead.
As I was off campus, the sun started to burn and everything went soft and seemed to have melted again, the smell of wet mud and plants has never faded away, and perhaps even more at this moment. This is it, I think. I'm not leaving of course, at least for now.
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2011-08-14
NOWHERE BETTER - [心情]
用惯了微博，说话都是只言片语，思绪似乎在这江南凌乱的夏日里，再也找不到头绪。
闲时不知道该用电脑干嘛，就翻来覆去的滑动着Lion的屏幕，不知道为什么我们总喜欢有事没事就挂在网上，似乎担心离开网络，下一秒就会发生什么重大的事情。
但其实重大的事情始终在发生着，让我们有时候不得不去想像是不是真的世界末日就要到来。可是其实预言对我们没有影响，即使成真，我们也只是平静的对待。如果上升到种族的高度，我们还未体验的那人生四五十年，也根本算不得遗憾。
毕竟按照生存概率，我们的生命都有足够的时间，所以就总希望能够留住一些东西，比如说，用照片。可是那种一晃三十年的定格瞬间总让人过于感叹人生苦短而心生悲凉，而更比皱纹加悲凉的或许是人心，抑或是那摆在同样位置却空空如也的、代表着生命的座椅。
让人更加担心的是，三十年后我们还能不能做一样的表情，有一样的心情。
去欧洲的事情前后准备了好几年，到了该真正做决定的时候，却意外的动摇了。可我想听来的所谓经验大都只是别人的故事，参考性并不强，真正需要强大的，永远都只是我们自己。
后记：
轻松的下午，明亮的教室，久违的心情。从日新月异的外面世界到来就仿佛回归，仍然是几年前就相熟的面孔、一如既往的轻松谈话，似乎在实习了这短短几个月以后，我已然忘记了学校的感觉、忘记了那些无所事事的温暖午后，思绪忽然一下涌上来，一些事情似乎开始明朗了。
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2011-05-20
THE TEST OF TIME - [心情]
距离上次写东西居然已是数月之遥，想来大概是总用微博的缘故，总喜欢三言两语。简洁的语言让人轻松不少，却平添了几分让人空虚的由头。
晚上闲来无事，重新归置东西，一大堆一大堆的文件、纸张，竟也翻出了些许回忆。四年前杭州的夏天，入学通知、入住指南，记忆中依然鲜活的画面却也蒙上了一层淡淡的沧桑，不想短短四年时间，精美的画册就在边角泛起了黄色，可是当年画册里精心打造的梦，却不敢去算实现了多少。不知道四年前那张稚嫩的脸，会被这期间的经历，打磨成什么样子。
夜色，独自一人，紫金港同样弥漫着那年挥之不去的潮湿味道，于是才感到夏天真真切切的来了。四年时间说长也长，长到你多年前的抱负，至今也还是空空如也；但说短也短，短到入学就像是昨天，今天却已经在为了前途，各自奔波了。我想大概并不用为了离别而感伤，至少我有比别人多一年的时间来适应，尝试去接受我们一出生就被付予、却等待了二十多年的责任。
整来整去，房间还是凌乱的；理来理去，思绪还是模糊的。不知道为什么突然会有这样的感觉，终于，我们的时代到来了，就和它有天还会不可避免的离开我们一样。唯一不甘心的是，我们是不是就要这样重复着我们父辈的生活，工作、娶妻、生子，不知道生活存不存在另外一种可能，让我们用有限的人生去体验一种没有担心、不必顾虑的生活，至少拥有一个更久的轮回，让我们不必在二十岁的时候就能看到自己三十年以后的样子：大腹便便、卑微的在这诺大的世界寻求着属于自己的一点关爱。
母亲说，我的平静外表下是不羁的心，我总是活在超现实的世界里，对现状充满了这样那样的不满，对世间万物保持着悲观。她是对的，大概这个世界上不再会有人比母亲更了解我，甚至超过我自己。在我被这个浮躁世界和年轻气盛冲昏头脑的时候，母亲是我唯一可以保持清醒的动力。她总是用淡然的语调，说，希望我好。
所以大概没有什么是能真正抵挡住时间的，并没有什么像时间一样永恒。所以就会敏感了，伤怀了，回忆了。我想人之所以会纠结，就是不想放弃希望但不愿采取行动吧。说到底，人生都是独行者，即使那是最爱的人，也终究不能相伴一生，父母如此，兄弟姐妹如此，恋人更是如此。我想，既然钟情回忆，既然喜欢悲观，不如就把这些点点滴滴记录下来，大概会成为我此生取之不尽、用之不竭的财富吧。
后记：
租的阁楼到期了，不能再续下去，所以每每去收东西的时候，难免不舍与感伤。毕竟这个小小的房间承载了太多太多最美好的回忆。可我想生活总是要继续的，依赖并不是一种可供选择的方式。大概太喜欢的东西最终都不能拥有，而拥有的往往都很平凡。但不论多么平凡的日子，总要自己面对的。剩下的，大概都会有归宿，会迎刃而解吧。
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2011-03-19
EVERYBODY'S GOT A JOB - [心情]
At the beginning of this semester, I actually thought my first priority would be to find excellent internship and somehow make money out of it, because everybody’s got a job. The girl at the cashier desk, the guy behind the cafeteria counter, almost everybody I’ve seen. They cannot make a fortune out of their jobs, they probably can never afford any Giorgio Armani suits or Ferrari sports cars and will never heard of Chanel in the rest of their lives, but they’ve actually got a job, a real job.
But I probably can’t. I have lectures and classes, English and German, very limited resources -- namely time and energy, and very great ambition yet to be discovered.
Sometimes the weather in early spring is still quite chilling, then I would stay in the little attic which I rented all day. Not going anywhere, not talking to anybody. Sometimes I had company, we talked and laughed and planned to go out some time later, mostly we had nothing specific to do and then we had all day just passed by like that.
Last night, the little rain was patting the skylight all night long. It was raining just this morning, but turned out to be quite cloudy and cool in the afternoon. Then I just sat by the desk, worked for a while, turned around to see you in sleep, then got back to work, all peaceful and quiet. Some old songs are good for the mood. They don’t necessarily have to be about us, but only to be slow and beautiful. They reminded me many years ago when I put all my heart into one thing that I had been crazy for, so many sleepless nights, cloudy afternoons, and many many more. Just then I realize it might not be about the past, today is also the past of the future.
Sometimes I think I am pathetic, sometimes I think we all are. That sometimes becomes the reason why we work so hard. We want to be strong and powerful. Everybody does. Then we try, we lie, we cheer, we cry.
Under normal circumstances I don’t like pathetic people only because they’re so … pathetic.
